Where's the hope?

I thought of this yesterday as I sat in my little cubicle at work and listened to another co-worker express her fear over being laid off.

A little back-story for those of you whom I may not have shared:we have been told at my place of employment that we will more than likely not have jobs by the end of next July.

ME.... a year ago, would have been FREAKING OUT!

ME....TODAY, I am not worried at all.

Life circumstances has made this co-worker an extremely volatile person. Her emotional and mental stability is often hanging on by a thread. We have had so many discussions about life and God and positive attitude and she just cannot seem to get the picture. She cannot stand on her tippy-toes and see what awaits her outside of the trench she lives in.

It reminded me of a scripture. While this scripture is specifically talking about death, it made me realize that the principle Christ was trying to teach applies to all aspects of life.
In I Thess. 4:13 it says "...so that you will not grieve like the rest who have no hope."
As I sat there listening to her cry I realized this is what life looks like with no hope and I looked this exact way a year ago.


The difference

I had the hope inside of me but did not act like it.

Life has been crazy. There have been some roller coaster hills in my life that I would challenge the biggest baddest thrill-seeker in the world to take on.

[sorry my english teacher friend, I know I am not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but I couldnt figure out how to make it sound right]


A year ago, I sat in a phsychologist's office hashing out all the wrongs in my life, all the people who had wronged me, all the people I felt as though I had wronged, and feeling like the only function I had left was breathing in and breathing out.
This dear Christian woman listened to me cry and blubber and she completely understood how I felt. [I know...it is her job]
She connected me to someone in my church who had gone through and was going through some of the same things I was experiencing. Together, they built up a wall around me to support me, guide me and teach me how to be a Christian wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend.
I have not conquered this problem. I had a small melt-down over life just the other day. BUT the meltdowns are not every hour or even everyday... sometimes i can go weeks without having a good "cry-fest".

The difference

I now understand the hope that I have

I realized in all my blubbering and complaining I was doing,I was only showing non-believers that Christ offered nothing more than what they already had.

If I was not strong with Christ,how can Christ help them?

I do have hope.
I have hope that one day I will see my Lord's face.
I have hope that one day I will see my sister who passed away 23 years ago.
I have hope that one day my husband and I will be healed and put into perfect bodies.
I have hope that God's will is being done as I pound out this blog.
I have hope that God will answer my prayers.

Sometimes we really do need to write down the things we can have hope in before we are so hopeless we become helpless.

Life's storms

While I sit here in the beach cottage listening to the wind bustle around the house and watching the rain fall from east to west, I realize I may hear and see these things but I don't feel these things.

Why?


The beach cottage isn't huge but its sufficient. It keeps me warm or cool and it has everything I need for survival.

What does the beach cottage not do?

It doesn't stop the storm. The storm still rages and I can still see trash bins, debris, and sand flying by but I am safe.

If we have a true relationship with Christ

is He not our beach cottage?

He does not stop our storms but He does protect us and give us what we need to survive. The storms are rough but we have a cottage.

Storms are unavoidable. It seems as though they never stop. Sometimes life is like a constant hurricane season. As soon as one storm goes up the coast another one is soon to follow.


One of my favorite songs as I have gotten older is "The Anchor Holds". Through each death I experienced throughout my young life, these words have always been true.

I have journeyed
through the long dark night
out on the open sea
by faith alone
sight unknown
and yet His eyes were watching me


the Anchor holds
though the ship is battered
the anchor holds
though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
as I faced the raging seas
the Anchor holds
in spite of the storm

I've had visions
I've had dreams
I've even held them in my hand
but I never knew
they would slip right through
like they were only grains of sand

I have been young
but I am older now
and there has been beauty these eyes have seen
but it was in the night
through the storms of my life
ohh thats where God proved his love to me

the Anchor holds
though the ship is battered
the anchor holds
though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
as I faced the raging seas
the Anchor holds
in spite of the storm


Life's storms are so hard but we know that the anchor we have is not going anywhere, we know that the beach cottage is always sheltering us from the wind and rain.

I know so many are struggling....
there are some storms or maybe even a hurricane we are facing and we don't feel very protected.

We feel like God is allowing our cottage to be torn down and the debris is flying in through every crack in the wall

I assure you He has not left you exposed

You will come through this storm and others will see that you had protection.

Those who have not discovered the security of the beach cottage will want to camp out in your cottage because they want to have the peace you have as they go through their storms.

God never sends a storm without giving us the opportunity to show His strength to unbelievers.

God never lets something happen in our lives without using it for His Glory.

God never allows us to be exposed to the elements without providing us a beach cottage.

I know... I am a slacker

BUT am I the only one who can't seem to pound out a blog when my heart is heavy?
SO much is going on...
Finding out if Trevy was getting to have an operation so that my dream of he and kayla getting to run around and play could come true


Finding out if my Best Friend since 5th grades' husband would have good results from his heart catheterization and if that checked out wondering what could be wrong with him.


Trying to figure out what in the world races through some people's mind even though you think you should know them since they have always been in your life

Dealing with this still never-ending black cloud over my mind telling me at any time the door bell is going to ring and Joey will have died in the line of duty

and...
knowing that come next July, I will once again get to find yet another job since I will be getting laid off from the one I have now. Difficult because of the decision to not go to college has left me having no idea what i am going to do.

Am i the only one that dreams though, if I complete this 1/2 marathon, maybe I should become a personal trainer and inspire tubby people like I am currently to get their butt in gear because hopefully by then i will be skinny

OR

the bigger dream, to complete the book I am writing and Nelson Publishing see it, read it, love it and I then get to travel all over the nation speaking to women at conferences and sharing with them whatever God puts on my heart.
It sounds so crazy and yet I could see myself doing either one or BOTH. I want to inspire and uplift people. I see so many sad people these and I know there is something better out there. The bad part, I am one of those sad people some days. Sometimes only a friend's sweet email or surprise phone call can make me realize God has given me a desire to reach out to people and that giving to someone makes the receiving so much better.
I am now realizing that there is no need to be sad about 30 because I can choose to make it great or I can choose to make it not so great and feel the same way at 40 as I did when I turned 30.
The point is I have to choose.... I cant stand by and let the waves of life shape me like sand on a shore, or I can let God shape me like clay in the Potter's hand.

RUNNING...on empty

I am just feeling like that today.

Maybe because I have been running, literally. I met up with a girl I went to school with and she runs in 5K's and 10K's all the time and I asked her to be my running partner for a 1/2 marathon in November. She is in WAY better shape than me and we are going to start training in mid-August so I figured I needed to get my butt in gear so that I am not holding her back.

SO

I am at the gym yesterday with my new running shoes on and I have my ace bandage wrap on one knee and one of those skinny little knee wraps on the other and I feel like a total OLD CHIC!

I really try hard to pound out 4 miles on that treadmill but 4 days in a row of running is making all my joints ache.


Thank God I have 15 full weeks before I need to run this thing... My goal to run it in less than 2 hours and 15 minutes. I will keep you posted as to the progress. Say a prayer that I dont need any type of major operation (like a double knee replacement) when I am done!

29... Going, Going, GONE

Yep, that's right, over the last week I said Good-bye to my 20's. It was a very surreal week for me. I was thinking about when I entered my 20's I did not think about how it possibly was the most important decade of my life. I made all my major life decisions within the course of 10 years, to finish or not to finish college, to marry or not to marry, to have children or to not have children

Pretty much the 3 things that shape your life.


So, for the record, I didn't finish college, I did get married and I do have a child.

If I could go back and do it over, well... there is no point in going there now is there... because we can't.


BUT...


As my Pastor preached yesterday there are demons and angels in this world and while we may make poor decisions that more than likely the "darker side" influenced us to make, God works in those situations for His glory.


So is it completely "un-christianic" to ask

GOD...

SHOW ME YOUR GLORY IN THESE DECISIONS!




ON THE OTHER HAND

I HATE "WHAT-IF'ERS"!
What if I had not gone on that date?
what if I had stayed in college?
what if I had turned on this road instead of that one?
What if...
because what is the point of "what if"
can you go back and change anyting? NO
can you change what’s happening now? Probably not...
can you make better decisions in the future? Maybe,
but at the time didn't we think we were making the best decision??

Though we may second-guess our decisions and wished we had prayed a little harder before making a decision; I do feel strongly about what I heard yesterday at church and what makes me stick to my favorite Bible verse. Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in His time... but man cannot discover the work God has done from beginning to end."

Top 5 things your Friend who has a special needs child wants to tell you (cont'd)

Is that the right abbreviation for "continued"? I wasn't sure but it sort of looked like it so I am going to roll with it!

TO continue on with my Top 5's....
#3. Watch the "religious" talk.
I know you are wondering why I would say that right? I mean, I am a Christian and I should want the whole world to know about God and how He has worked in my life but I think that sometimes the redundancy we as Christians use when someone is ill does more harm to our image than anything else.
If your friend is a believer then they probably already know everything that the scriptures say about handling trials in our lives. They really don't need you to quote scripture to them and give them every Joel Olsteen book. Trust me, they know the verses and they REALLY don't have time to read right now. If they want to read they will pick up the book themselves. Some people find comfort in self-help books but a lot of people when they are overwhelmed with LIFE just want some quiet time to reflect not to read a book that tells them they are handling the situation wrong. Often times all they need to know is that you are praying for them and once you have let them know that, be quiet.
If your friend is not a believer, now is definitely not the time to preach at them. The last thing they need in this world is your religious quotes. I have seen people who are not close to God be pulled even further away by an overzealous Christian who means well but their delivery draws a vacuum. Sometimes Christians can also cause the unbeliever to feel as if they are going through this trial because of their unbelief which cant be further from the truth.[See complete side note] You treat the unbeliever just like the believer, let them know you are praying for them and be quiet.


[COMPLETE SIDE NOTE]

okay... back to trials in our lives vs. God. I heard it said best from someone whose child died tragically in a drowning accident, Things happen because we live in a sin-filled world and while God is always in control Satan still has a strong hold on this world too and this world is a fallen place and we are a fallen people. Still not making sense, well to those who feel like only bad things happen to those people who are less than perfect in their Christian walk let me remind you of the verse that says all our righteousness' are as filthy rags and also, you should read the book of Job. See, sin entered the world and bad things are going to happen but in God's eyes our works mean nothing to Him because He never wanted it to be about works He wanted it to be about TRUST. He wants us to trust in Him while always remembering that one day we, as believers, will be resting in His presence and all our trials will be gone.

#4 DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT suggest "this great organic diet that you saw on an infomercial that, you know, that blond actress whose child has a disability switched her son to and he was magically cured!"
I will let you in a little secret, I do believe we should watch the amount of man-made chemicals we put into our bodies but I don't believe that eating 4 lbs of raw carrots which have not been "tainted" with pesticides is going to cure a SN child. In the actress' case, maybe it did help. Her child has a very relevant disorder which I know a little about because I have a friend whose child suffers from autism and it is a scary sad disorder so please, please don't think that I am "downing" her or her child, I promise its not that at all. I just don't think its the cure-all for every child with every disorder. I realize there are certain diets that show improvements in certain disorders and trust me, if the parent has done their research they already know about it. Be careful again how you mention things to that parent. IF you tell them their child needs to eat all organic or if you allude to the fact that the condition their child has was caused by them not eating organic you have done more damage to that friend's spirit than what can be repaired.

#5 You need to be their biggest Cheerleader.
As I have mentioned before my friend with an SN child lives 1,000 miles away so this one is a little harder for me.


[ BECAUSE D, I promise you, if I lived there, i would make myself a cheerleader outfit and put my hair in pig-tails and put a big T on the front of my shirt and everyone in your town would say "Good Lord, please give that woman her meds and send her home!" ]


I am not tooting my own horn at all but I know that you are vocal about things that you are passionate about. Everyone at my work knows that my one wish is to be able to fly to where D lives this year and see her, my family and friends all know about my freind's child and they often ask me about how they are doing. Even on National Epilepsy Awareness Day I had 3 co-workers in purple that day! They need to see your support. Think about it, when the football team is down by 2 and they just feel like they cant move that ball another inch what gives them the motivation to get out there and move that ball into field goal range...

THE CROWD!! THE YELLING AND THE SCREAMING AND THE "YOU CAN DO IT!" ( like in the movie "waterboy" HA!)

It's the cheering that makes that football player get back out there and give it just a little more effort and I think the same applies for our friends with SN children. When they see the support and they hear the cheering and they hear the "YOU CAN DO IT" it gives them the energy to get up and push a little harder the next day.

Top 5 things your Friend who has a special needs child wants to tell you

I don't know how long it's going to take me to pound these 5 things out. I may get it done tonight but probably, more than likely not. I think this first part is just going to be an introduction to why I feel this is necessary to get off my chest.

I never realized what these parents go through until I witnessed it first hand (sort of) when I was reconnected with a friend from college. Her son suffers from a devastating seizure disorder (Infantile Spasms)and it really opened my eyes to what they are going through.
As I began to pray for her little boy who is only a week younger than my own child, God began to show me how to be a friend to her even though we are separated by over 1,000 miles. I am not saying that I am a great friend but I want to share with you a few things I think has helped me be a better friend to her.
So here is #1...
Do your own research but don't email your friend the 1 million websites that you find concerning her child's disorder BECAUSE unless she doesn't have the Internet she has already looked at every single one of them over the course of 5 sleepless days and nights following the diagnosis.
The reason why I say this is because you need to be informed. This is the closest you will get to understanding what your friend is going through and you need to be equipped to help her explain to others what is going on. Your friend has to explain what is wrong with her child more times a day than you have to pee and she probably is to the point that she just wishes she could put it on a brochure and hand it out to all the inconsiderate poops in the world who stare and make faces and ask dumb questions. She needs you to already "get it". She needs you to be able to sit in the room with her child while she eats her dinner or returns phone calls from the doctors and know that her child is safe with you because you know what is going on and how to help her child if they need it.
#2 She needs you to shut up! or BE quiet! whichever you prefer. I am not really partial to either word so its your choice. There are so many different SN children but unless your child has the IDENTICAL disorder, DO NOT say "oh I know how you feel." CUZ' you don't! you don't have a clue and no matter how much time you spend with the child and your friend you still did not give birth to a child that has a special need and you don't know how they feel. I will give you an example from my own life that may seem a little extreme but I think you will get the point.
When I was 6, my sister who was 8, died from complications of juvenile diabetes. About 4 months after her passing it was Fall and kids were going back to school. A friend of my mom's stopped by our house one afternoon whose daughter had just left for college and it was about 20 hours away from where we lived. She sat at our kitchen table blubbering and babbling about her little girl being so far away and then
She said it

yep, you guessed it


she said, "OH [my mother's name],I now know exactly how you feel about [my sister's name]! I feel the same way!I miss my baby girl so much!"....well, my lowly, meek and mild mother lost it, probably one of three times in my life I ever saw her that upset. She responded back to her, "You don't have a clue how I feel, your daughter will come home for Christmas, you will get to see your daughter walk down the aisle one day, you will celebrate another birthday with your daughter and I will never ever get to do that with mine!"

Get my drift.... Those words can be so hurtful when you may mean them to be helpful and if you are one of those people who say to that "well, they need to not be so uptight, I am just trying to help." YOU need to go back and take TRUE FRIENDS 101 and get your head out your rear because being a friend to her requires for you not to be such a self-centered poop!

I feel like this is one of those friendships you have to have in your life. You need to know what its like to always put some one's feelings before yours. You need to allow them to have complete phone conversations without you really responding. They need to turn to someone that they can just be open with and not have to worry about hurting your feelings by not giving you proper "air time". You need to understand that the blessings you receive by being so selfless outweighs any other friendship you may have.

Well... that's all I have for this installment of this topic. I will work on the other 3 and post them. I will give them their own label too in case you come back looking for it!

ahhh... the pager, the nextel, and the cell phone

I was cleaning off the kitchen counter getting ready to make my dad's birthday dinner when I realized.....there THEY were. Some days I want to chuck them across the room, some days I hope that at his retirement party I am allowed to smash them.

I know, I know, I promised this was going to be an upbeat positive blog BUT keep reading I think I can swing it in that direction.

BUT...the pork was stuffed with semolina bread, cranberries, celery,and the perfect mixture of thyme and sage, the chocolate cake was cooling down and was almost ready for the German Chocolate Frosting to be applied, and the broccoli was steaming and the melted cheese and butter were just waiting to mix with it
WHEN IT HAPPENED...


BEEP BEEP BEEP, Nope, not the oven going off, it was the darn pager. Instantly tears came to my eyes and bad words that should never be in a Christian's mind immediately ALMOST escaped out my mouth.


I knew it was bad, the Nextel did that irritating chirp and more foul expressions came to mind...


then, i knew someone must be dead, the cell phone rang to make sure that the pager and the nextel had alerted him to the fact that they needed him quicker than ASAP.

[Seriously, what did departments do before they equipped their officers with every high tech paging device known to man?? ]




SO, we celebrated my dad's birthday without my cop being here. I think my cop ended up having to settle for McDonald's Dollar Menu instead of the dinner I had been so excited to prepare for him and my dad. I mean, he had been eating on the go all week due to heighten crime in our area and this was going to be the one hot meal that I got to make for him and he would get to enjoy.

oh well... what do you do? I sucked it up, put my happy face on realizing there was no need to be mad at him. So many wives get upset with the husband as if its his fault these humans walking the earth cant behave and get a long. I know, because I used to feel that way..... Does it draw a vacuum??? YES. Do I hate it??? Absolutely. Is it worth getting mad over? NO! I don't want him to be at work and think back on his time when he is at home and think
"Man, she is always mad at me!"
I want him to think back on his time at home and see that this is his safe haven. This is where he comes to get away from the chaos and the cursing and the yelling and the dead bodies. This is where we, as wives, are to be completely selfless and love our men because they are strong, stronger than most, and we have the honor of being married to a man who provides daily protection to us and to our family and friends.
Sure, i am sitting here blogging on a Saturday night when most families are watching movies together or vacationing but its okay because right now he is in the process of finding the bad guy and putting him away so that there is one less bad person out there to influence our children.

Cop Wife (CW) vs. Normal Wife(NW)
* I am only going to speak how I feel. My opinions and feelings
are mine not other cop’s wives**

NO,I don’t think that I am better than NW’s. I know that I am not part of the “Desperate Housewives of Top Cops”…although I know a few...and that will be another topic for another day... In fact, surprisingly if anything, I think NW’s have it pretty good and I am jealous of how NW's get to live. I realize maybe jealous is not the right word but the only other word that comes to mind is envious. I know, I shouldn’t be, and seriously, the thought comes in my mind and leaves almost as quickly as it came. I often quote the verse Phillipians 4:11(the one I would tell a friend when she lived in a dumpy state that I wont mention) “I am not saying I am in need, I have learned, in whatsoever state I am in, I will be content”. To my bible scholar friends, I do know that this is not talking about a physical state but its talking about a place in your life. The battle with cancer, the child with a disability, the sister who wants her other sibling to “see the light”… Or in my case, the husband who is trying to keep the bad guys from getting to the good guys.

I think in my mind, I envision that NW, sending her husband off to work in the morning, she looks a lot like June Cleaver, perfect hair, nice pearls, dress, and great heels which she will stay in all day while she does her laundry, cooking, cleaning and even gardening. When she kisses him and gives him a hug she puts her arms around him and never for a second thinks, “this could be the last hug I ever give him”.

On the other side, the CW would like to get her arms around him but just cant quite make it ,NO, its not because of too many dunkin’donuts,it's because its hard to wrap your arms around a man, plus a bullet-proof vest, the gun belt containing the gun, the night stick, the handcuffs, the extra ammunition, and the pepper spray. All the things I pray, as I hug him, will keep him safe and bring him home to me at the end of his shift.

A certain part of me leaves out the door with him ever day and sometimes it doesn’t always return…

like my sympathy towards others and the crisis they create in their own lives…

Like that Depserate Housewife who was speeding because the kids were late to soccer and she cant believe this worthless cop gave her a ticket and once she gets to soccer she will proceed to bash and trash the cop all while I sit there behind her having to listen to her complain about the fact that my husband and his brothers and sisters on the force are just trying to make the roads safer so that we can all get there ALIVE.

I lose a little bit of my innocence...

because my mind goes to the things he has seen and felt like sharing with me even though I know that it is probably only 10% of what he actually sees, the other 90% would probably kill me.

And most importantly

my heart…

there are nights my heart doesn’t hurt so bad, but then there are other nights where I have a sick broken heart feeling that he is dealing with someone who hates him right now and wishes he were dead and I worry that at any given moment the doorbell
will ring and THE 3 PEOPLE will be on my doorstep… somewhere in the hidden cop’s spouse rules, we know there will be at least 3 that come to tell you the news, the sarg, the LT, and the chaplain…

Can I say, as someone once said to me…”it really draws a vacuum!”(the Christianic way to say “it sucks!” ha!)


I love my family, my church and all of my NW friends. I just hope you all realize that sometimes I need you, my NW’s, to realize that just like your husbands who keep computers going and banks running, my husband is trying to keep us all safe.I PROMISE I don’t mean to draw a line between my CW’s and NW's, its just each of you fill a special part of me… My CW’s fill that part that makes me feel like my struggles and my anxieties are normal , my NW’s help keep me motivated as a mom and they help me realize that there are times when I need to be me… just ME, not a CW. I cant let my husbands job define me so completely that I lose sight of who I really am and who I was before I took on the role of CW.

The top 5 signs you have watched too many cartoons with your child...

5. Your phone is ringing at work and you automatically begin to sing “the phone, the phone is ringing…” (the wonder pets)

4. You often sit and relate to how Max is feeling, when will the older sibling realize that the younger sibling is not stupid and really does have good advice even if it is in a one word answer. (Max and Ruby)

3. You really wish Dora’s shirt covered her mid-section and that she would get a new hair-do. Nothing is more irritating than a girl with a bad hair cut and a gut hanging out over her shorts.

2. You wish ming-ming would catch larangytis so you don’t have to hear that squeky dumb duck teach your children how to enunciate words incorrectly (Wonder pets)

And the #1 sign you have watched way too many cartoons….
Is

1. You have convinced yourself that as a right-wing conservative, Diego is a pawn in the gov't hand to make our kids into little PETA-loving zombies who will grow up to care more about animal life than human life.

HERE WE GO!!!

I have to admit, I am a little excited about starting this blog thing. I have always wanted to but never really thought I could be interesting enough for people to follow and I probably still am rather boring but... lately I have alot I want to say to people. I think sometimes we don't always share our feelings or things that we are going through. Some may say that you should be private but how are we helping others if we don't reach out and let them know we are going through the same thing.

So, to my Cop Wife Friends, I hope my stories of handling the crazy hours and pagers that always go off at the wrong time will help you realize that you aren't the only one out there married to a man trying to make his child's future safe.

To my MOM friends, I hope you will be able to give me advice and I hope I can make you laugh with all of the silly things my daughter does.

To my Christian Friends, I hope that as I share with you the things that I am learning now that I understand what it is to be a real follower of Christ you will be inspired to share with me and with others how He is working in your life.

Please note: I am not an expert!LOL!(as if I needed to tell you that) I am real person who struggles daily with so much. This is more for my well-being than anyone else. I am human so please don't judge me if you think I am not as "Christianic" (a word I will use often meaning a good Christian-found in my husband's dictionary) as you are.

I will start to come up with Nicknames for people because I won't say my family members names but I will post them to the side so you can follow along.

If you share the blog with others please just refer to me as a friend. Dont refer to my husband's name or mine. (Besides, some of his coworkers may be spoken about in a post and I would hate for them to know it was about them!HA!) I am not trying to sound like I am in the secret service but I really do want to keep this thing as safe as possible for our family.


Oh, and thanks to my creative boss for the blog name. I wanted something to do with the cop thing and I wanted Bacon Bits ( you know, someting along the lines of the "pig theme" but it was taken so he said, "How about The Bacon Blues.." and I liked it, it was different and no one had taken it yet!

I would love suggestions or things you want me to talk about. Thanks for stopping by and come back often!